不做“虎妈猫爸”,新时代需要“拉链式”父母

第九届新东方家庭教育高峰论坛分享嘉宾林为千、蒋佩蓉夫妇提到一个很好的家庭教育理念:新时代需要“拉链式”父母,与之前“虎妈猫爸”教育理念有很大不同。 “虎妈猫爸”家庭教育理念重点是放…

第九届新东方家庭教育高峰论坛分享嘉宾林为千、蒋佩蓉夫妇提到一个很好的家庭教育理念:新时代需要“拉链式”父母,与之前“虎妈猫爸”教育理念有很大不同。

“虎妈猫爸”家庭教育理念重点是放在孩子身上,爸爸妈妈一个唱红脸,一个唱白脸。

“拉链式”家庭教育理念正如“育儿”的英文单词“parenting”,重点是放在父母本身的养育上面。

不做“虎妈猫爸”,新时代需要“拉链式”父母

丈夫林为千,微软认知服务产品总经理,妻子是婚姻、亲子和礼仪专家蒋佩蓉,曾任麻省理工学院中国总面试官。他们结婚28年,有一个跨中西方文化的家庭:既有台湾的生活经历,又有美国西雅图的奋斗历程,还有在北京的发展。他们有三个儿子,老大是美国大学的博士,次子是硕士,最小的儿子在读高一。2013年,林蒋夫妇结婚25周年。此时的他们,彼此在事业上都达到一个顶峰。但是由于忙于事业,他们的家庭关系也随之跌入“低谷”:夫妻关系、亲子关系都处于精疲力竭的状态,几近崩溃的边缘。“要事业,还是要家庭?”经过冷静的思考,他们做了一个令朋友们都不能理解的决定:夫妻双双辞职,放下手中的一切,给自己一年的“空白”去思考过去十多年来所缺失的“功课”:“修复”婚姻,弥补亲情,恢复家庭应有的幸福。

在美国一个小城,一位长辈告诉他们这样一句话:“要想拥有幸福的家庭,就需要保持‘拉链式’的婚姻关系。”拉链这个“熟悉的陌生词”,引发他们的思考。“拉链的两边,彼此独立地处在不同的‘轨道’上,但又需要同步前进才能融合。”从婚姻关系,他们延及到父母的角色关系,便提出了“拉链式”的父母关系。“父母的‘拉链’若不能同步,就会夹着孩子这一‘心头肉’”。

不做“虎妈猫爸”,新时代需要“拉链式”父母

很长一段时间内,他们针对“拉链式”的夫妻关系、亲子关系进行了广泛的学习研究。在研究“育儿”这一问题上,有着跨文化背景的他们发现,中文重点放在孩子身上,而英文是parenting,侧重父母本身的教育。而现在是一个改变的时代,中国正在越来越国际化,所以,他们呼吁中国的家庭教育需进行一个本质的改变,即从教育孩子身上转变到教育父母身上。

细心的林为千发现,2012年伦敦奥运会时,中国获得的金牌大部分是个人单项奖,而今年里约奥运会发生了一个本质的转变:从单人专项转移到一个个团体运动,尤其是中国女排精神给他们带来很大的冲击波。“打排球需要团体的力量,不管个人的能力如何,大家需要在场上轮转,然后换位,可以在不同位置上发挥不同的功能,而且有一个很清楚的、统一的规则。”排球运动引发林为千的思考:一直以来,中国家庭是男主外女主内的模式,家庭教育的任务自然地落在母亲身上,父亲大多时候是缺席的。而新时代,随着社会节奏的加快,在育儿上,父母的角色也需要开始转型,应由“个人”(母亲)转为一个“团队”(父母)。现在是一个改变的时代,中国正在越来越国际化,家庭教育也需要有一个本质的改变,要从教育孩子身上转变到教育父母身上,要从单人专项转变为一个团队运动。

“拉链”双方,需要深度默契

不做“虎妈猫爸”,新时代需要“拉链式”父母

“很多家长看似陪在孩子身边,但脑子里还在转着所要处理的事务,手里拿着手机,时不时发个邮件或者回个短信,没有进入家长的状态。”林为千说出了大多数爸爸“人在心不在,心灵上缺席”的陪伴状态。令他记忆犹新的是,在孩子小的时候,有一次他带孩子去公园玩,全身心地融合在孩子们中间。奇怪的是,不一会儿他们身后就会跟来一大群孩子,因为别的家长都坐在旁边聊天或者看手机。

林蒋夫妇告诉中国广大父母,想要成为“拉链式”搭档需达到三方面的默契:

第一,彼此扮演有弹性的角色。不要把自己限定在“红脸白脸”、“虎妈猫爸”的身份上,父母要不断地学习,才能保持平等的拉链搭配;

第二,父母需要互补。每个人都有自己的强点,但是彼此要不断地在自己的弱点中学习,从对方的强点中来互补自己的弱点;

第三,父母要成为搭档。在孩子的成长中,父亲一定要出席,全心全意地经营婚姻,转向家庭。

林为千呼吁:“父母要成为搭档,在家庭中父亲必须要出席。我们需要父亲们站出来,全心全意地转向儿女,转向家庭,投入你的婚姻,投入你的家庭。”

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