我们的家庭教育到底缺失在哪儿?

教育每年都是两会的重点,对于教育问题,全国政协委员俞敏洪接受采访提出:“中国教育未来想取得成功,家庭教育需起到百分之六七十的作用。”他建议国家设立家庭教育日:“一年至少有那么一天,…

教育每年都是两会的重点,对于教育问题,全国政协委员俞敏洪接受采访提出:“中国教育未来想取得成功,家庭教育需起到百分之六七十的作用。”他建议国家设立家庭教育日:“一年至少有那么一天,提醒家长应该如何成为一个好家长。”

那么,我们的家庭教育到底缺失在哪儿?

一、隔代教养

我们的家庭教育到底缺失在哪儿?

据中国老龄科研中心对全国城乡20083位老人的调查,照看孙辈的老人占66.47%,隔代扶养孙辈的女性老人在城乡更是分别高达71.59%和73.45%,也就是说,我国70%以上的家庭都涉及到隔代教养。 “隔代教养”已成为我国家庭教育中很自然、很普遍的现象,也使中国成为世界上为数不多普遍存在着隔代教育的国家。

大量研究表明,接受隔代教育的孩子容易产生六类不良习惯:

一是自私,做事常以自我为中心,凡事先考虑自己的利益得失,不知道为别人着想;

二是任性骄横,家庭成员关系颠倒,走向外部社会后不知道尊重别人;

三是社会适应能力弱,个性孤僻、缺少生活的热情;

四是自主精神和自理能力差,依赖性强;

五是不爱惜财物,在消费中盲目攀比炫耀;

六是学习被动,缺乏刻苦钻研精神,容易厌学。

隔代教养实际上是以孩子的成长为代价换取了父母的相对自由,隔代教养的普遍存在很大程度上降低了家庭教育的质量,也对孩子未来的发展极为不利。

二、父教缺失

我们的家庭教育到底缺失在哪儿?

每当学校开家长会或者是开公开课,参会的70%以上都是妈妈,或者是家里的老人,爸爸出席的比例很低,越来越多的父亲长期缺席孩子的成长。 这种父亲游离于家庭教育以外的生活格局使孩子从小缺乏与父亲的接触和交流,已成为我国当前儿童教育中的一个突出问题。

心理学研究也证实了父亲参与水平越高的儿童通常具有更高的认知能力和控制能力,表现出更多的同情心和较少的性别刻板观念;父亲缺失家庭的儿童比父亲在位家庭的儿童表现出更多的反社会倾向,父亲积极参与到家庭教育之中,将对孩子的学业成就、道德发展、人格塑造和社会适应等发挥重要的促进作用。

因此,现代家庭教育呼吁“父教归位”,一个孩子的健康成长不仅需要父亲提供的良好物质条件,也需要爸爸的时间投入和高质量的陪伴。

三、家长心中的“乖”孩子情结

我们的家庭教育到底缺失在哪儿?

中国文化对“乖”孩子情有独钟,经典的“中国式好孩子”身上必须具备“听话”这个关键词,他们在家听父母的话,在学校听老师的话,头上常常顶着“三好学生”、“优秀干部”等荣誉,这些孩子的父母总是受到别人的羡慕,似乎他们一定比其他孩子有更灿烂的未来。

事实上,很多从小乖巧听话的“好孩子”,常常以牺牲自己独立空间、独立思维为代价,服从父母和老师设立的各种规范,尽管成就了父母的期待,但却使他们失去了对生活的激情,始终觉着自己的人生不属于自己,缺乏活出一片精彩的动力和热情。

很多心理学研究提醒我们,那些所谓的“好”孩子如果在成长过程中一直都很听话、很乖,那么家长一定要提高警惕,这样的好孩子很可能在成年后表现出抑郁的情绪甚至是罹患抑郁症,他们会因为没有机会发展“自我”而陷入悲观厌世的情绪障碍里;受父母控制的“乖”孩子通常有明显的社会退缩倾向,这种社会退缩最终会导致情感孤独。

所以,“顺从”与“听话”并不是一个值得追求和赞誉的优秀品质,深藏在家长们心中的那个“乖”孩子情结正粗暴地剥夺孩子独立思考的能力。 中国的家长们不应急于把不听话的孩子教育成听话的孩子,更不应该总是为孩子规划和设计未来,把自己的人生体验强加到孩子身上。

孩子的成长需要过程和体验,家庭教育的关键是父母端正心态,用平和的态度对待孩子的成长,尊重孩子的生命体验,家庭教育不是上课,而是影响家庭教育也不是管理,而是陪伴,总想让孩子“听话”、“顺从”和“乖”是对孩子的不尊重。

四、无处不在的攀比心理

我们的家庭教育到底缺失在哪儿?

纠结的民族心理,让家长在家庭教育中常常有分裂的感觉,每个家长都觉着自己在为孩子的人生负责,不管他们今天是面带微笑还是泪流满面,我们都要让他们赢在起点之后继续赢在终点。

为了赢得比较好的相对优势,家长们在教育孩子的时候,不自觉地把自己内心的焦虑投射到了不谙世事的孩子身上,虚构了不同版本的故事情节来鞭策孩子不断努力,理由只有一个———“都是为了你好”。

在攀比心理的控制下,家长在日常生活中常常失去理性,于是有了“虎妈”和“狼爸”,也有了“父母皆祸害”的豆瓣小组;有机场弑母的孩子,也有失手灭子的母亲,当然大多数家长没有如此极端,但我们的家庭教育还是离不开那个“别人家的孩子”,这个“孩子”可以很抽象,也可能具体到某个同学,无论在国内生活还是移民到别的国家,这个“孩子”其实永远站在华人的心里。

追求成功与卓越,激烈的社会竞争,存在于世界的任何一个角落,但很少有其他的国家和民族像我们一样让孩子从一出生就背负着家族的理想和期待,把家长们在竞争中的压力直接转嫁到孩子身上。

五、家长缺乏学习和反思的意识

尽管社会生活的方方面面发生了很多变化,家庭教育知识也在不断丰富、不断变化中,但绝大多数家长的教育理念仍然是复制父辈们的传统教育方式,绝大多数的年轻父母原本对教育孩子一无所知,孩子的出生一下子让他们变成了全知全能,并有权利评判一切的家长,只凭借本能的关爱或者是出于责任感来教育自己的孩子。

事实上,教育孩子是一个非常需要知识和智慧的工作,需要父母有开放的胸怀,不断地去学习新的教育理念和具体的教育技术,就现阶段来说,家庭教育与其说是如何教育孩子,还不如说是如何让父母变得更称职。

前苏联教育家苏霍姆林斯基说:“我认为,没有研究过教育学基本知识的青年公民,不应当有成立家庭的权利。 ”

一个孩子的健康成长需要得到各种各样的营养,这些养分的提供者,首先来自于家庭和父母,所有孩子身上发生的问题,其根源都是父母的教育理念或者是教育行为出现了问题,矫正这些问题的关键依然是父母。很多急于求成又望子成龙的父母,在面对孩子问题的时候,只是一味强调孩子的问题,对自身的问题视而不见。

当我们质问孩子为什么总是不如“别人家的孩子”那么优秀时,我们是不是应该同样问一声自己是不是一个合格又称职的父母? 也许,今天我们要做的就是让自己的孩子幸运地遇到优秀父母。

来源:新东方优能中学

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